For Your Irritainment

Why the facebook is so concerned about my dating situation.

If you are familiar with the facebook, you're probably also familiar with the ads in the right side-column of each page. After some time, I noticed that they all were about essentially the same topic. I then asked around and found that no one I knew shared in my experience. Basically, that 75%-80% of the advertisements I see on there are in some way related to me getting a date and/or wife. Luckily, they can also be somewhat amusing(with the occasional shocking thrown in for good measure). What I find most entertaining is usually the photo and the accompanying headline. It seems that the facebook knows a little about me because they are at times personalized, as they mention my current location(Texas). They also seem to hit the Christian drum pretty heavily, too. Though, I don't know if that's because of anything found in my profile or just the general nature of guys wanting to date Christian girls(look it up, it's true).

Anyhoo, I spent about 15 to 20 minutes clicking around the facebook and collecting a lot of the ads(though, not all) and will now share with you some of my favs. As of yet, I've been able to withstand the onslaught and retain my dating site virginity. But feel free to vote for your favorites, and maybe I'll take it under advisement.

The picture above goes with the head line: Check out local girls - Find the largest collection of single women at Thirty Plus Singles. --

So, the facebook also knows my age and has already begun pigeon-holing me.

Romance over 30 - This is your chance to meet and chat with 30 plus singles at Mate1.

So I'm still eligible for romance? Whew!

Meet Local Women. - Connect with attractive local women at Thirty Plus Singles.

This is weird, but thirty doesn't seem as bad as it did about 10 seconds ago. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Single women over 30 - Find sexy mature women at Thirty Plus Singles.

Still thirty? Check. Sexy? Check. Women? Check. Mature? Didn't you just say thirty? Also, do mature girls really pose for pictures like that?

Meet Elite Mature Singles - Dating for mature singles can be very difficult, but it doesn't have to be. Mature Singles Only believes that no one should be alone.

No one? Ok, fine. But I'm not sure I want to date anyone who's already been officially labeled "Elite".

Now we'll move the "Christian" category:
Connect with Christians - With ChristianMingle's scientifically designed matching system, we can introduce you to your soulmate! Try it now!

Ah, bridging science to the soul. That's very holistic of you.

Want a Christian Girl? - Why don't you ask her out? It is easy to do it on Christian Mingle.com. Just send her a message. Try it free!

I think so. Why so demanding? Also, are there Christian girls that are less...frosty?

Fun Christian Singles - Meet fun Christian singles in minutes! Start your free, no obligation trial of ChristianCafe.com. Email and IM free for 10 days.

It may just be because it's the only one that included a male in the picture, but this seems less fun than creepy. Seriously, dude, you're creeping me out.

I'm assuming these are less "Christian":
It's okay to look - Sign up and meet thirty plus singles today.

Good to know. Ummm. Yeah.

Meet Hot Girls - Thousands of single girls are waiting for you now at FindingSingles, and you can join free today!

This seems overly simplistic. But I am a man, so I'm listening. Ok, so you did say "Hot".

Get a Girlfriend - Tired of being single? Meet sexy, fun girls today at True. 100% Free.

Once again, oversimplified. Once again, still a guy. It is what it is people.

Want a Girlfriend? - Tired of being single? Meet sexy, fun girls today at True. 100% Free.

Uh, no I think I'm okay. And I'm pretty sure they're not looking for boyfriends, either. At least not in the classical sense of the word.

Now for what I'll call the "niche" sites:
Meet Asian Women - Single? Meet 1000s of Asian women in your area today at Asianpeoplemeet online dating. Browse pics and videos. Join free!

Wait, should this offend me? I mean, it's not like all Asians are the same. Now Orientals...

Meet Russian Women Today - Classy, educated, beautiful Russian Ladies for classy men.

Classy...this entire process just screams, "Classy." Warning: could be a mail-order bride site.

BBW Personals - Website for BBW singles and for those that admire them. Sign up for free to view photo profiles!

Did I mention "Niche"? Warning: Do not enter BBW into google and press enter. Trust me.

And finally the "Does anyone smell desperation?" category:
Man wanted now - Due to the amoubt of female response online at Perfect Match.com, we lack men responding to their needs for attention. Chat free now!

Now! "...their needs for attention." Where do I sign up? Plus, free chatting.

Mail order brides service - For a man from Texas! Create a happy family with your Russian Bride!

When conversation is no longer an option, you can always turn to your credit card. Facebook and mail-order brides, what more does a man need?

So now all you married folks know what you've been missing. Jealousy does not become you.

...the facebook.

Ok, so I get that it's a "social networking" site, but do any of us know what that really means? And I even get how it works(to a certain extent), but most of my time spent on the site seems to involve me thinking,"Is this what I'm actually supposed to do?" I thought impersonal electronic interaction was supposed to remove uneasiness. Yet, it seems we've just added an entirely new category of social tension. I've had to institute a whole new protocol to ensure I maintain a respectable level of facebook etiquette. I.e., anyone who wants to be my facebook friend gets to be my facebook friend, providing they've supplied a profile picture(got to make sure they're committed). This rule had to be implemented because so many people who wanted to be my facebook friend where never actually, well, my friend. I currently have 96 friends on facebook(yes, I'm well aware I'm a loser), yet a quick survey revels less than half of those have ever been my friend at any time and at any loosely defined level. And of those, I have a current relationship with less than half. Now, some people who I don't really know I actually wouldn't mind knowing, but I don't...yet, we're "friends". It's all so confusing.

There's also a myriad ways of communicating just via facebook. You can use "the wall", but there's also the inbox which works essentially like email. And there's always the status updates, which allow you not only to let people know what you're up to, but comment on what other people are up to. I've had conversations with people using all three methods, but what's the preferred method? (And sometimes people mistakenly leave a message on your wall about your status instead of just commenting on it. Talk about confusion!) And what do people want on their wall? I guess what I want to know is, how many of these methods can I use to ask a girl out? Ok, I want to retract that, or redact it, or something. I'm sorry.

Plus, I'm having a little trouble reconciling this new social contract I've apparently entered into with the fact that everyone seems to agree that the facebook is a complete waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But I'm not sure why. Plus(and this is probably just something that effects me), haven't I just found another way to disappoint and offend people? It's a gift, I know. But I'm good enough at it when people can actually hear the inflection in my voice. I guess it's just another occupation hazard of always having to carry this acerbic wit wherever I go, but I digress. All I'm saying is, the facebook? Good...and well, bad...oh, and welcome to facebook week.

Labels: facebook, things I don't understand

...People who think they have four eyes, three hands, and two brains.

So I was out the other day during the later stages of rush hour. I was on Central Expressway, yet moving at a fairly un-expressway rate of speed(and in case you aren't aware, Central is a place of many lanes and going fast). Finally, the waters parted, and there was opportunity for all of us to collectively express our liberty by way of the accelerator...except for the car in front of me. I could see the lane preceding it and it's relative openness. Despite that, there was no increase in speed and there was even some random breaking. I began to question the heavens(and really, I wouldn't be surprised if other drivers might have heard me considering the volume of my query) as to why the car refused to speed up or remove itself from the roadways. As we parted ways, I was, for a moment, next to the car and was able to peer in on the driver to see if they were injured or truly(as I expected) mentally impaired in some way. As I gazed at her(no comment), I decided she was not hurt but decided to table the latter. For I then saw the true reason for her inexplicable driving habits. There was a cell phone...and she wasn't trying to talk on it. SHE WAS TEXTING!!!!

Now I know there's some disagreement out there about whether it's possible to talk on the phone and safely pilot one's vehicle(it is), but I think we can all agree that typing coherent words and even sentences on a device while checking your work on a tiny screen should probably not be done at speeds above 10 mph. If you're at a red light, text away. But as soon as it turns green, PUT THE PHONE DOWN! And you sure as Hades better not sit there while the light is green. Even if you were to find yourself on the same freeway in stop and go traffic, if you wanted to broadcast a couple of "LOL's" during the stop portion, I'm willing to look past it. But we're not talking about those scenarios, we're talking about actual movement. And needing to be aware of your surroundings and other drivers while moving at a high rate of speed.

So on this exact same trip, as I returned home, I got back onto Central. At this point, it was much more welcoming. As I merged onto the thoroughfare and accelerated, I was once again met with a dangerous obstacle. A car doing fifty in front of me. Now that might not seem dangerous, unless every other car is doing 70...which they were. I could tell you what happened or you could just re-read the first paragraph. Because it was the exact same story. No lie. A woman(no comment) texting on her phone. Apparently, God get's a kick out of sending me in to rage induced histrionics on our roadways. Good one, God, good one. Oh, and what I found most interesting was neither of these drivers were teenagers as one might expect. Instead, both were at least in their thirties, maybe forties; the elder being no younger than fifty. So apparently, this epidemic has no age-limits.

Labels: idiots, things I don't understand

...How many times, and how many ways, the BCS can screw up one of the greatest sports.

I can't believe that after all these years, it's only getting worse. As a bonus, this year it was actually the team I support that got screwed (Yea BCS!). It's just almost too painful to discuss. But I'm going to go through it all, yet again. Main point: There should be a playoff in college football. Sub points: This is just really ridiculous; You've got to have 16 teams; All opposing arguments are completely ludicrous and are rendered void on a yearly basis.

I got to thinking the other day about if you met a guy who recently moved to the U.S., and who also was a big sports fan. He recognized the huge popularity of college football, yet was confused about the process of finding a champion. Imagine in your mind that scenario and then imagine as you begin your explanation. How convoluted does it sound after 30 seconds? How foolish do you feel after 60? The BCS is basically like a boxing match going to the judges if most of the judges didn't actually watch the fight but just looked at the punching stats the next day and then combined that with the boxers' reputations. I imagine the foreigner replying with one word, "Preposterous!" And that's what it is. We need a playoff system.

The playoff system should be 16 teams because there are 11 conferences and 120 teams. Obviously everyone can't play everyone else, so a weeding out process must be employed. I would eliminate any conference champion with more than 4 losses (just in case one of those "other" conference champs goes 6-6 or somethin') and then leave the empty slots to be filled with at-large bids. If you don't include all the conferences you leave a major problem unsolved. That being that every team in the top division should start the year with a chance at winning a championship. Currently, this is not true. Ask Utah and Boise St. And limiting it to 8 teams would still make that likely. Plus, you still risk leaving out teams with legitimate arguments. This year being a prime example. Either Boise St. at 12-0 or Penn St. at 11-1 would be left out of a 8-team playoff. And even with 16 teams, it is still one of the most exclusive post-seasons in sports. So 16 it is.

Now a response to the various arguments for the current system (really, what are these people thinking...or whose dole are they on?). #1) "Each week is a playoff." Really? Like the week Texas played OU? Or the week Florida lost AT HOME to a pedestrian Ole' Miss? What about the week that Boise St. lost? Oh wait, they didn't. So they won their "playoff" yet somehow find themselves playing in the...(you don't even know what bowl they're in do you? You're never gonna believe this...) the Ponsietta Bowl. I bet you don't even know where it's played.
#2) "That would be too many games and these are student athletes." Seriously? If a playoff were introduced, the regular season would most likely return to 11 games instead of 12. That means the two teams that make it to the championship would play 15 games. OU and Florida will both end up playing 14 games this year. Plus, every other level of the NCAA has a playoff. So I think they can handle it. #3) "A playoff would make games less important or exciting." Sure, OU vs. OSU did have drama, along with Florida vs. Alabama. But what about all those good teams that had been eliminated from championship contention and were just playing out the string? And honestly, OU vs. OSU would have retained much of its importance because OSU would have been playing for their playoff lives instead of just hoping to ruin OU's title run. The same for Florida-Florida St., or Georgia-Georgia Tech, or Ohio St.-Mich, or Penn St.-Mich St., or BYU-Utah, or...you get my drift? For every game that the stakes are reduced there a multiple games, no, make that teams that all the sudden become relevant with the introduction of a playoff. So, as you can see, those objections are dumb.

Now, we get to look at this year's mythical bracket. I decided to make it easier on myself and just use the last set of rankings and the winners from the conference championship games. This may seem like a no-brainer to you, but because I'm convinced that a playoff would mean the end of such games, I've ignored them in the past. But I'm going for less mental gymnastics and taking the easy way out. Sorry. Here we go. Just imagine how glorious it would be if instead of switching our attention to basketball this week we were gearing up for a tournament that sported this bracket of potential match-ups. FYI's: For the first time in 5 years, the Sun Belt winner actually qualifies, thusly Okla. St or Georgia Tech (depending on if there was a cap of 3 teams per conference) find themselves on the outside looking in. And the Mt. West conference gets 2 teams in while the Pac 10 gets 1 (ouch).

(1) Oklahoma - Big 12 Champ (BCS #1)
(16) Troy - Sun Belt Champ (NR)

(8) Penn St. - Big 10 Champ (#8)
(9) Boise St. - WAC Champ (#9)

(5) USC - Pac 10 Champ (#5)
(12) Cincinnati - Big East Champ (#12)

(4) Alabama - At large (#4)
(13) Va. Tech - ACC Champ (#19)


(3) Texas - At large (#3)
(14) E. Carolina - C-USA Champ (NR)

(6) Utah - Mountain West Champ (#6)
(11) TCU - At large (#11)

(7) Texas Tech - At large (#7)
(10) Ohio St. - At large (#10)

(2) Florida - SEC Champ (#2)
(15) Buffalo - MAC Champ (NR)

BTW, ESPN has a feature where you can simulate a 16 team playoff. It doesn't have all the teams available, but it's still kinda cool to look at.

Labels: college playoffs, football, things I don't understand

...How I can live in a world where this is an option.

Not for me, but you know, for people in general. So, I'm sitting in front of the TV one night...actually, I was sitting at the laptop at the table with the TV in the background but in view. I had it on ESPN (shocker) and I'm guessing it was later in the evening. Anyhoo, I'm sure I was doing something really important like checking Facebook or looking for music or making vital fantasy football moves (not blogging, though; definitely not blogging) when some commercial caught my eye (I can also see my TV in a mirror so as to not have to do such exhausting things as turning my head).

It started out showing a couple who were very obviously in the process of some very personal interaction. A phrase flashes on screen, "These people are married." More images of possible actions one might take if they found themselves in a hotel room with a scantily clad female, then a second phrase. "But not to each other." At this point, the commercial had my full attention. I sat there staring at the screen. Mainly, I was waiting for the punch-line. It had to be some joke, some funny beer ad. Surely, they couldn't be supporting one cheating on their marriage, breaking one's vows. But no punch-line came. Instead, just a web address and then a slogan: "Life is short. Have an affair." I sat there dazed and agape. Despite the lack of a comical ending, I still thought this might be a joke...or more of an elaborate ruse. A prank. So I went to the site. And I quickly came to the conclusion that this was real.

They claim to have over 2.3 million members of their "dating service". But alas, not many single ones (poor me). According to their faq(why do I find it so odd that they have a faq) if you're single, "you're probably going to have to try a little harder." You see, I don't have as much to lose and therefore can't be trusted...in a dating service for people looking to break one of God's "Big Ten". So I guess if you're making a list or reasons for me to get married or not, this can be added to both sides of the ledger. Sure, you're more likely to be cheated on, but now you find yourself eligible for additional "dating" options. So just in case you still think I'm making this up, I've added the commercial below for your viewing pleasure. Life is short...

Labels: adultry, dating, things I don't understand

...How both those pictures could possibly be me.

Yeah, this. Throughout the life of this here blog, I've tried to stay away from this particular topic, for whatever reason. But after numerous requests from various sources(and the fact that topics sometimes are hard to come by) I decided to relent. Many of you know this story, as you lived it with me, but just in case...

Both pictures are indeed of me. The first from about 8-10 years ago (I really don't remember) and second is much more recent. So yeah, I was a fatty. Bordering on morbidly obese (High Five, Wendy's!). About 7 years ago(maybe 8?), my roommate at the time (Eric) wanted to join a health club, but he didn't want to go check it out by himself. So I agreed to go with him. Next thing I know, I'm also a member of a health club. I think the high fees combined with the fact that earlier that year I had been told by a doctor it'd be a good idea to drop a few, ensured that I would actually use the membership.

Use it I did, pretty much 6 days a week, at least. I'll spare you the stories of peeing blood, realizing the red stuff on my towel was coming from my shirt which was actually blood coming from me, and the like; but suffice it to say I did not do it half-heartedly. Now despite the fact that I was at the club 6-7 days a week, sometimes for up to 2 hours, I never grew to like it. Even though I run several times a week, I have never experienced "runner's high". And never have I looked forward to working out. The one thing I did like? The results. That I actually knew the efficacy of what I was doing helped a lot. So over the course of about a year and a half to 2 years, I went from (this is fairly embarrassing) about 320 lbs. to a low of 191. I now sit at a smidge over 200. Of course, the years since have seen me yo-yo a little. But as much as I don't know how I let it get that bad, I know I will never let it happen again.

A couple of random observations from a guy who used to be really fat. One, after losing weight, you get treated better. I still remember one of the first times I was in a department store after a precipitous loss in weight. I had never been asked if I needed help that many times in my life. I actually looked around for hidden cameras, thinking it must be some sort of joke. It wasn't, that's how the non-fat(or I guess I should say less fat, because I'm still pretty big) are treated. Also, you've never seen disappointment until you've had to tell a person the bad news that the way to loose weight is to eat less and exercise more. Seriously, once someone finds out or just gets up the gumption to ask how you did it, they look at you like you're the Wizard of Oz (pre-curtain-pulling) because you've obviously been let in on one of the great secrets of the universe. But when they find out the uncomplicated yet difficult truth, they look like you just notified them of Santa's questionable existence. I now have a pat answer for when I get such a question. I warn said person they probably won't like it, and then I tell them, "I got off my fat butt, and stopped stuffing my fat face." Although, the more you're off your butt, the more face-stuffing you can still enjoy, but you know what I mean.

Oh, and I should also warn you, since I once was fat I retain my license to make fun of fat people. I can freely roll my eyes when I hear excuses that include phrases like "poor metabolism" and "big boned". Sure there's some truth to them, but in the end, the thing on the opposite end of the fork from the food is you--a sentient, free-willed being. Oddly enough, I used to think I was big boned. Until I did the wrist test, and realized I wasn't big boned...I was fat. Finally, one last story of post-fatdom. Not being able to walk around a family reunion anonymously; or the time I ran into a guy I grew up with, and he just blew me off because he had no idea who that guy was who knew his name. No, this occurred at the aforementioned health club.

At this point(year 3 as a club member), I had lost all the weight I was going to lose and was in maintenance mode. Well, as anyone who's ever been a member of a health club knows, you get to where you recognize the regulars, whether you're an introvert like me and do everything possible not to talk to them or not, you still find yourself exchanging numerous knowing nods. Well, on this day, one or the other regulars--a 50-ish guy in really good shape--who I had never shared a single word with approaches me at the water fountain and what resulted is the following exchange:

Not me: Hey, doing ok?
Me: Yeah, good. How are you.
Not me: Fine. So you've lost quite a bit of weight haven't you?
Me: Yeah, you could say that.
Not me: Yeah, you're a bit of a rock star around here. Everybody's amazed how well you've done. How much did you lose?
Me: Well, actually it was about 100 pounds, maybe a little more.
Not me: Man! That's great! Yeah, you were a bit of a porker, but now you look great!
Me: (smile creeps across my face as I realize that the truth just leaked out) Yeah, I guess I was a porker.
Not me: Well good job man. I just wanted to let you know people noticed your hard work.
Me: Thanks. (Still wearing somewhat quizzical smile)

That was the first and last time I ever talked to him. And now you know the famous "Porker story".

Labels: fat jason, things I don't understand, weight loss

...How history keeps repeating.

So we ran that dumb race again. Obviously, someone brought a camera this time. Also, we ran a complete mile (Yeah us!). Two new people showed up (Andrea and Tommy). And two other people wussed out (Eric and Patrick). And we ran at a different track (J.J. Pearce vs. SMU). So all those things were different. But unfortunately, one important detail remained the same.

Bryan still won.

I didn't let him get away until the second lap, though. So that's something. But get away he did. And I'm still a tad unclear how it happened, but that doesn't really matter now. It really bothers me that I continue to allow him to back up his braggadocio, but what's a big, fat, slow, white guy supposed to do? So here are the final times as precisely recorded by our official time keeper, Kurt (Andrea's husband):

Bryan - 5:53:68
Jason - 6:13:77
Andrea - 6:29.86
Tommy - 7:02:90

Labels: exercise, great race, things I don't understand